Monday, March 31, 2008

You know you're fat when...

  • You go to talk to a gay guy at work, and instead of making eye contact with you he makes waist contact with you -- he stares at the muffin-top above your pants the entire time.
  • Someone sets up a meeting using Outlook and lists you as the location.
Both these things actually happened to me this week.

I hate exercise. This was moderately ok when I wasn't middle-aged and when I lived in a city and was forced to walk everywhere, but now on occasion I even have debates with myself on the merits of getting up from my seat to go to the bathroom versus...just not. If I were an animal I'd be a sea anemone. I'd have a symbiotic relationship with organisms that groomed me and would wait for food to come to me.

There was a time when I ran. I only run when I'm depressed. Anyway, I kept waiting for this "runner's high" I kept hearing about. Maybe it's just me, but unless runner's high consists of severe cramping and the flab on your face actually detaching from your bones due to all the turbulence, I never got runner's high.

I live in Southern California, so I have to spend a good part of the year in a swimsuit -- and often times, sadly, in front of people I know. So instead of addressing the root of my problem, I ordered 6 tankinis to try on, figuring, the more coverage, the better. I ordered them from Victoria's Secret, which I knew right off the bat was a really bad idea. It is impossible for me to tell what those swimsuits actually look like because, unlike the models, I do not have breasts that resemble a grown person's buttocks. In fact, I could have stopped the last phrase five words in. But I'd venture to say that outside of Southern California, most people don't look like that. So, it is not possible to tell what the swimsuit actually looks like on any normal person based on the photo. As such, it was shocking when I actually put them on. The most fitting phrase would be "female wrestler". I didn't think this was possible, but I looked even worse in those tankinis than in a bikini with my midsection exposed.

My new strategy is to appear in locations where I am comparatively in shape. For instance, our next vacation is going to be in Palm Desert. Next to most octagenarians, I look young, firm, and in shape. I appear lively and full of energy.

Anyway, I eat well and I try to be healthy minus that moving-around part. You can't win 'em all.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

It Ain't Easy Being Clean, Either

Ok, sorry for the posting mishap. I think I just made a blank posting. Not that that's any worse than my usual postings.

I'm at home today because theoretically we are getting recessed lighting put in. I say theoretically because the electrician is 2.5 hours late. He called about an hour and a half ago to say that he was going to be here in 30 minutes. It seems (see my previous post) that if left home alone, I stray to the dark netherworld of cleaning supplies. Since I'm down to my last few drops of the Method cleansers I bought a few months ago, I found myself on this website: . Inspired, I decided that I was going to refill my Method bottles (recycling) with some of these non-toxic recipes (cheap). Going down the supply list, though, the only recipe I could make with what's in my house was a 1:1 water/vinegar combo. Then, to make myself feel more commercial, I put in a few drops of red food coloring (which promptly stained my hands to a murderous hue as the bottle, which had been unopened since 2003 which was the last time I baked, exploded). Then, I gave my counter a squirt. I was pleasantly surprised at how little it smelled like vinegar -- and then thought it might be nice to add a few drops of essential oil for fragrance next time (which I would have done if I had any).

Anyway, I'm really excited about these cleaning supplies. They're cheap, and they won't kill you!